Whenever I take a look at this drawing, I am flooded with memories, darkness, and happiness.
I drew this at the end of my depressive episode. That was when I felt isolated, my self-esteem was shattered, and I was constantly reaching for my phone, browsing internet to kill time. Mind you, I was, concurrently, a high achiever, cheerful colleague and student who have never missed a deadline. But in the background, it was such a dark moment when everything seemed right, but nothing felt right.
While work wasn’t a big problem thanks to dead lines and external expectation; achieving any personal goal was such a chore…. “why should i do it?”, “I won’t amount to anything anyway”, “How could I reach the same awesomeness level as those artists??”, “I am a failure.”, “Let’s just kill time…”… And it went on, and on, and on…
As I struggle to get out, I came to realise this trio: self-esteem, laziness and distraction, were what holding myself and many of us back from improving ourselves.
Then I said “F*** it! I can’t stand this anymore. Why should I waste time this way. This is NOT ME!” … And with my partner 1000% support, I finished my semester, I completed 100km hike in 37 hours to raise money fighting poverty, I went back home with mom, I read whatever I like, I caught up with my old mates, I got a new job, I continued new semester, I hiked to Everest Base Camp. And everything was a tiny evidence that I can do it!! Everything was lessons that taught me how to listen to myself. What make me feel fed up? what make me feel amazing? Who was good for me? Who was not? what moves my heart? who do i admire? All so that i could adjust my action and pathway, maybe very slowly, 1 degree angle at a time.
And then, out of an act to improve myself, and to respond to the warm fuzzy feelings I have everytime I press my pens again the paper, Lainy’s creation was borned. Halleluya! The last 18 days were filled with joy! And stress, but mostly joy haha.
Distraction is still there, so is laziness and low self-esteem. But hey, it is nowhere as bad as it was. So, BIG GIANT GRIN 😁😁😁😁.
Watch me, Life!
If you want change, change yourself. When you change yourself, things will change themselves for you.
ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!
Make a resolve is to promise yourself that you will never give up!!!
Quote from self-help seminar on youtube
With all that said, this is how this old drawing is today.